Joyeux Noel once again, fans! Still reeling from the announcement of my “full-time job” experiment in yesterday’s missive? Well, I am too! But in a nutshell, here’s what happened to the man who The New York Times gushingly says "toggles between two personas" (whatever that means): like many of the super-successful, I haven’t many liquid assets - they’re all tied up in futures or pasts or Euros or something - and this last July I had another of my many “come to Jesus” moments (moments which are sadly denied apostates like Mormon “candidate” Mitt Romney) when I realized that unless I took drastic action before September 15th I would be out of cash! Yikes! And though, yes, there are scads of celebrity friends and deep-pocketed fans whom I could have asked to help make up my shortfall until the next successful project hopefully begins to pay dividends, I looked in the mirror and made the difficult decision that I could not take charity. Any more! And so it was that I came to have a “desk” and regular “hours” at Comedy Central’s GHQ in the charming “Hudson Square” district, adjacent to a loading dock. I even have a “boss”! I’m sure one day we’ll all look back and laugh at this whimsically comical “season in my life” - I for one already find it absolutely fucking hysterical!!!
Let’s don’t talk about that. I’m sure most of you ordinary folk already have jobs and are more interested in the stories of my celebrity life where the glitter is in the air, not the ones where it’s already fallen on the ground to be crushed underfoot with the sawdust.
So. On once again to my 2011 Celebrity pre-Christmas Itinerary of Joy! Here are more of the ways I’m making my season bright - probably much, much brighter than yours!
4. Now that I am once again solvent, I have been treating myself to my own early Christmas present! (I have also bought a few little things for some of the people on my list - I’m no Scrooge!) I’ve been getting Rolfed! Rolfing, if you “don’t know,” is a system of body realignment that probably comes from Europe. Most celebrities at some point go in for some rather “New Age” treatments like yoga or collagen, and I am no exception! Amid the bustle of my life of fame I seek the middle path of Zen; and also I would like to increase my flexibility for sex. So far I can already stand without back pain for slightly longer than I could formerly. I know “times are tough,” and I’m sensitive to the hard candy Christmases being painfully endured by many of my fans and countrymen (remember, due to my non-liquidity I was almost one of you!), and this Rolfing may seem to some a frivolous indulgence; but let me tell you, when my hips are happy some of that joy will trickle down to my public too!
5. This past weekend I and my consort partook of two particularly moving “get in the spirit” Christmas activities:
5a. We attended a gospel Christmas concert given by a “diverse” gospel choir - two of whose non-diverse members are non-celebrity friends of mine - at the East Village’s Middle Collegiate Church. I am not sure if “Collegiate” is an actual denomination or merely a ruse of nomenclature designed to lure elder lechers into the sanctuary and then, presumably, unto salvation. Either way, the concert was a toe-tapper. I was the most famous person in the church, so the entire event was lent a gauzy golden hue of glamour alongside its message of (I think) hope for a troubled world. I always try and squeeze in a little spirituality during the holiday season - a task made more difficult this year by my “job” and my intense Rolfing schedule, but Sunday’s concert truly ticked the box. My favorite number was one I’d never heard: Rise Up, Shepherd, and Follow. Its message of salvation’s accessibility even to the lowliest of laborers, those shut out of the leisure echelons and forced to toil regular hours among much lesser creatures - literally “sheep”! (and maybe even with a “boss”!), would surely resonate with many of my legion of workaday fans - and it was on your behalf that I listened and responded with tears of selfless hope. God rest ye merry gentlemen!
5b. Also this weekend we participated in my annual Christmas ritual screening of Frank Capra’s masterpiece, It’s a Wonderful Life. As most of you know, this is the greatest film ever made, even though I am not in it. You might imagine someone as famous as I would prefer a feature that presents Success’s bold shimmer - like Valley of the Dolls orDoc Hollywood - to a “salt of the earth” film that deals, essentially, with a host of losers who never leave their sad, snowy town. But you’d be wrong. For without lost creatures like Jimmy Stewart’s George Bailey - who pine and scrimp and in the end are only kept from machine-gunning a Luby’s Cafeteria by the paper-thin promise scribbled on the front page of an early-edition Tom Sawyer that “no man is a failure who has friends” - all of my much more glittering successes would have no context. People like meneed people like George Bailey, even if I can in no way identify with his soul-crushing fear of mediocrity and obscurity. In no way whatsoever! Still, something calls me back to this opus, year after year…perhaps it is that pathologically mirthful scene at the high school gym dance, where George and Mary tumble backwards into the swimming pool! Ha! That’s probably it.
More Christmas to come, including cherished childhood Christmas memories…!