Joyeux Noel once again, fans! Still reeling from the announcement of my “full-time job” experiment in yesterday’s missive? Well, I am too! But in a nutshell, here’s what happened to the man who The New York Times gushingly says “toggles between two personas” (whatever that means): like many of the super-successful, I haven’t many liquid assets - they’re all tied up in futures or pasts or Euros or something - and this last July I had another of my many “come to Jesus” moments (moments which are sadly denied apostates like Mormon “candidate” Mitt Romney) when I realized that unless I took drastic action before September 15th I would be out of cash! Yikes! And though, yes, there are scads of celebrity friends and deep-pocketed fans whom I could have asked to help make up my shortfall until the next successful project hopefully begins to pay dividends, I looked in the mirror and made the difficult decision that I could not take charity. Any more! And so it was that I came to have a “desk” and regular “hours” at Comedy Central’s GHQ in the charming “Hudson Square” district, adjacent to a loading dock. I even have a “boss”! I’m sure one day we’ll all look back and laugh at this whimsically comical “season in my life” - I for one already find it absolutely fucking hysterical!!!

Anyway.

Let’s don’t talk about that. I’m sure most of you ordinary folk already have jobs and are more interested in the stories of my celebrity life where the glitter is in the air, not the ones where it’s already fallen on the ground to be crushed underfoot with the sawdust.

So. On once again to my 2011 Celebrity pre-Christmas Itinerary of Joy! Here are more of the ways I’m making my season bright - probably much, much brighter than yours!

4. Now that I am once again solvent, I have been treating myself to my own early Christmas present! (I have also bought a few little things for some of the people on my list - I’m no Scrooge!) I’ve been getting Rolfed! Rolfing, if you “don’t know,” is a system of body realignment that probably comes from Europe. Most celebrities at some point go in for some rather “New Age” treatments like yoga or collagen, and I am no exception! Amid the bustle of my life of fame I seek the middle path of Zen; and also I would like to increase my flexibility for sex. So far I can already stand without back pain for slightly longer than I could formerly. I know “times are tough,” and I’m sensitive to the hard candy Christmases being painfully endured by many of my fans and countrymen (remember, due to my non-liquidity I was almost one of you!), and this Rolfing may seem to some a frivolous indulgence; but let me tell you, when my hips are happy some of that joy will trickle down to my public too!

5. This past weekend I and my consort partook of two particularly moving “get in the spirit” Christmas activities:

5a. We attended a gospel Christmas concert given by a “diverse” gospel choir - two of whose non-diverse members are non-celebrity friends of mine - at the East Village’s Middle Collegiate Church. I am not sure if “Collegiate” is an actual denomination or merely a ruse of nomenclature designed to lure elder lechers into the sanctuary and then, presumably, unto salvation. Either way, the concert was a toe-tapper. I was the most famous person in the church, so the entire event was lent a gauzy golden hue of glamour alongside its message of (I think) hope for a troubled world. I always try and squeeze in a little spirituality during the holiday season - a task made more difficult this year by my “job” and my intense Rolfing schedule, but Sunday’s concert truly ticked the box. My favorite number was one I’d never heard: Rise Up, Shepherd, and Follow. Its message of salvation’s accessibility even to the lowliest of laborers, those shut out of the leisure echelons and forced to toil regular hours among much lesser creatures - literally “sheep”! (and maybe even with a “boss”!), would surely resonate with many of my legion of workaday fans - and it was on your behalf that I listened and responded with tears of selfless hope. God rest ye merry gentlemen!

5b. Also this weekend we participated in my annual Christmas ritual screening of Frank Capra’s masterpiece, It’s a Wonderful Life. As most of you know, this is the greatest film ever made, even though I am not in it. You might imagine someone as famous as I would prefer a feature that presents Success’s bold shimmer - like Valley of the Dolls orDoc Hollywood - to a “salt of the earth” film that deals, essentially, with a host of losers who never leave their sad, snowy town. But you’d be wrong. For without lost creatures like Jimmy Stewart’s George Bailey - who pine and scrimp and in the end are only kept from machine-gunning a Luby’s Cafeteria by the paper-thin promise scribbled on the front page of an early-edition Tom Sawyer that “no man is a failure who has friends” - all of my much more glittering successes would have no context. People like meneed people like George Bailey, even if I can in no way identify with his soul-crushing fear of mediocrity and obscurity. In no way whatsoever! Still, something calls me back to this opus, year after year…perhaps it is that pathologically mirthful scene at the high school gym dance, where George and Mary tumble backwards into the swimming pool! Ha! That’s probably it.

More Christmas to come, including cherished childhood Christmas memories…!

Well, here we are as in olden days, happy golden days! Or at least a time before any of us had ever heard the words “the Eleventh” or “Sarah Palin.” As the days shorten in anticipation of the anniversary of the humble birth of the one true godhead incarnate who came to save all of us Methodists from eternal damnation that we might live abundantly in the life everlasting - and also of that “Jewish holiday” about “candles” - thoughts turn naturally to holly, spiced cider, family, and fame. Most people wonder, as they struggle through stores clogged with other “wage earners” like themselves to spend money they haven’t got on gifts for people they don’t love, “what might thisseason of light be like if I were actually happy - if I were happy and famous?” Might it be brighter than the Christmas of this little child, whose no doubt broken home has scarred him or her - probably him - so badly that even the meager gift of a Barbie doll is decapitated and kicked to the curb, as if in protest of a holiday whose magic appears naught but a cruel sham?

Yes! It would indeed be brighter. For how could it be darker?

And so allow me this festive Yuletide to send your soul-starved way some of my celebrity Christmas luster! Here, for you my fans, is my 2011 Celebrity pre-Christmas Itinerary of Joy!

1. Last weekend I and my consort went ice-skating in Central Park! Quelle joie! All was merry and bright, and even the several minority families who seemed to have gained access to the pricey Trump-owned rink through some sort of scholarship were enjoying themselves fully. We arrived at dusk, just after the Zamboni had finished its rounds, which delighted me no end - I love nothing better than a smooth bottom under me! The park is a magical place to skate, even if one has not ingested the copious amounts of crystal methamphetamine consumed by one dilated and overzealous skater - clad only in a Philadelphia Eagles T-shirt against the winter chill. One hopes he might sober up enough to notice his frostbitten nipples by New Year’s. Even despite this snaggletoothed scrapper, our bonhomie might have been unadulterated were it not for the “holiday” music selections playing via loudspeaker across the rink, which were disappointingly of an entirely secular nature. I certainly enjoy I’ll Be Home for Christmas as much as the next homosexual, but it does not escape my keen observation that without a healthy sprinkling of the familiar religious carols one does begin to wonder why exactly one is going home at all! Hashtag “Reason for the Season”!

2. Apres-skate we sauntered over to the Avenue for a glance at what my middle-American fans can only dream of: the windows at Bergdorfs. Enchanting. This year the famous emporium catering to the 1% threw caution and unemployment to the wind in a deliciously frivolous display of haute couture-draped mannequins topped with wild animal heads - all I want for Christmas is whimsy! In celebration we treated ourselves to $6 nutella waffles from the Waffles & Dinges streetcart parked in front of The Plaza. Unfortunately the Barney’s windows disappointed this year. I suppose Simon Doonan is dead (and I’m sorry I missed the service, I’m sure I would have caught up with some old friends there!), because instead of the world-renowned decorative displays that have made an international name for Barney’s, the store merely slapped Lady Gaga’s name on a candy shoppe on the fourth floor and felt that would suffice. Yes, I know times are “hard.” I realize that rather than giving the masses some free delight on the sidewalk it may actually be more generous to those masses to lure them upstairs for an $80 lollipop with some bottle-job Italian pop icon’s face painted on it (even the masses must stuff stockings!). But I for one wanted some of that free delight on the sidewalk. Rest easy, though, dear fans: I’m sure I could buy an $80 lollipop if I really wanted one. And maybe next year Barney’s will feature one with my face on it!

3. I attended the Christmas market in Bryant Park, where I purchased two charming coffee mugs for the office party Secret Santa offering. They featured black and white photos of passed-out reprobates lying lifeless on menacing 1980s New York City subway trains. Ho ho ho!

(Oh, did I say “office party”? That’s right! In an effort to be as generous as I can be with my celebrity I have taken a full-time staff “job” as a writer/producer at Comedy Central. They need me! And in all seriousness fame - like everything else in this dark winter of our national discontent - is a bit slow right now.)

Well, for the moment I suppose I’ll leave you with that Christmas bombshell - I’ll pick up again soon with enough sparkle to get you through the rest of your sad little non-famous season! “You can count on me…”

God bless us everyone!